so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
