you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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