arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
