Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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