hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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