Fine. I'll sleep in my office
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
