There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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