i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
