Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize