I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize