i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
