if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
