I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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