Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
