Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
