yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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