How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
