i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
