I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
