I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
