I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
