God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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