Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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