just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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