My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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