Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
