Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
