are you still at the devil's house?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
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