Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
