That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
