I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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