I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
