I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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