I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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