look no pants
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
