My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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