is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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