Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
