if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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