Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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