I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
