I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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