Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
