i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
