What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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