the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
