Tell her she can't have a vagina
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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