Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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