Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think a kid would responsible me up
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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