So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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