My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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