Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
