3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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