Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
