I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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