Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
