I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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