Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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